Martian Pioneer Children Show Signs of Depression

June 9, 2032 -- CYDONIA, MARS -- Is the Martian physical environment compromising children’s development? In videos released to the public this week, children at the Cydonia colony on Mars are seen exhibiting symptoms of Seasonal Affective Disorder year-round. This is despite the highly touted light therapy regimes that have been in place since Mars colonization began in 2023. The latest video from Cydonia Academy is fueling speculation that our youngest pioneers are failing to develop sensitivities to crucial light spectra.

Case Study Features Martian-Born Phoebe Brahms

The case study of greatest interest involves a seven-year-old with the pseudonym Phoebe Brahms. She is the only child reared entirely in the Martian environment. Brahms appears “unusually dejected” in the evaluations of two Earth-based developmental psychologists who observed video of the child this week.

Dr. Stephen Sanborg at Tufts Intergalactic University observed, “Her apathy is more typical of that seen in teens and is a cause for grave concern. She is seen merely moving through the motions of gravity training games [in the video] and has withdrawn from freetime social interactions almost entirely.”

Dr. Oscar Herbst of UW-Milwaukee Intergalactic added that Miss Brahms apparently took little pleasure in a visit to the colossal Central Park replica dome. “It’s the closest thing Mars has to Earth. It’s virtually indistinguishable from New York pre-flood. And yet the carousel, the wind and the kites, the concerts and shaved ice – none of it piqued her interest.”

Dr. Herbst emphasized, “This isn’t the case of a spoiled or ungrateful child. While Phoebe’s symptoms are most severe, they’re found to a lesser but still concerning degree throughout the Cydonia Academy student population. That’s 90 of 90 students aged two to sixteen. This is a serious sign that human beings need to develop on Earth until reaching adult height and physical maturity.”

Children are not only disinterested in the light rooms available on Mars, but also seem to benefit little from light exposure. Scientists believe that children have a critical developmental period during which exposure to sunshine on Earth is crucial. The specific time window has not been identified.

As discontent stirs on the Cydonia colony, drama students at the University of Wisconsin are imagining a colonial political revolution on Mars.

A new treatment regime combining air ionization with more powerful light therapy is underway to treat signs of depression linked to light processing. A potentially more powerful treatment of melatonin is likely to be approved. However, sources close to Icelandic Intergalactic Cargo speculate that the requested melatonin supply shipment won’t reach Cydonia's depot until six to eight months after August’s scheduled launch.

A Call for Change: Let the Pioneers Return Home

The case of Phoebe Brahms is renewing calls for legislation concerning off-Earth procreation. Doctors say that the scientific community can only do so much to warn pioneers of health complications. Said Dr. Sanborg, “We’re fighting a losing battle against nature. People will have children regardless of planet of residence. We need to support a more practical policy to enable families’ return to Earth before the mother’s second trimester.”

Dr. Herbst concurred and added, “It’s time for public policy to get up to speed with developments in the colony. Obviously the private market system isn’t serving the interests of all colonists.”

In related news, drama students at Dr. Herbst’s university in Milwaukee performed a mock revolt by the Martian colonists against the major Martian investment companies. The sold-out show reached record views in its genre on both YouFace.Mars and YouFace.Earth.